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How to Stop People Pleasing

Writer's picture: Liz VinesLiz Vines

Updated: Jun 23, 2024

Do you find yourself catering to the needs of others so much that your own needs get supressed? Do you worry excessively about upsetting other people? Is it hard to get a clear picture of your feelings, needs, or opinions? People pleasing is a pattern that can run quite deep and feel nearly impossible to change. But with mindful awareness and compassionate curiosity, change is always possible. Getting to know this part of yourself, working with fear, and learning to feel your body's cues for needs, wants, and desires is the recipe for a new experience.


Why do We People Please?

While each situation is different, there are some common dynamics that can foster the growth of this particular coping mechanism. A common scenario is growing up in an environment in which your needs are overlooked, not believed, dismissed, not seen, or outright denied. You may have even received messages that your needs are a problem or cause extra work for other people. When we are habitually taught that our needs are too much, non-existant, or don't matter, we begin to see this as reality. While there are many valid and understandable reasons for parents to not be able to attend to all of their child's needs, it does not minimize or negate the impact for you of having your needs pushed aside.


Because caregivers who don't welcome and support our needs are often unable to take care of their own needs, we can learn that we have to take care of other people before we can be taken care of. When caregivers act in scary or hurtful ways in response to our needs, we can also learn to see our needs as a threat and something that needs to be burried in order to preserve the peace and maintain closeness and connection to loved ones.


We are especially vulnerable to learning this messaging in childhood because our sense of self is developing and our caregivers are supposed to know more about the world than us. As children, we don't have enough life experience or brain development to see this level of nuance. In a situation where my body sends me signals of distress, but my parent ignores me, I am unlikely to believe that my parent is wrong. They can't be wrong becuase they are supposed to protect me and know more about the world than I do. Instead, I learn not to trust my own inner experience. This can lead to a deminished perception of our internal signals, difficulty understanding our needs and feelings, and a hightened perception of the needs of others. The combination of not believing our experience, seeing our needs as a problem or burden, and giving priority to the needs of others creates fertile ground for people pleasing to thrive.


Break the Cycle: Get to Know Your People Pleasing Part

Part of what can be so difficult about changing patterns like this is that they begin to happen automatically. It's almost as if there is no time to respond differently even if you want to because everything happens so fast. Practicing awareness and mindfulness while getting to know this part of you can help give you the time and space to break this pattern.


As you begin to understand the origin story of your people pleasing, you can begin to strengthen your awareness of this part of you. It can be helpful to write down the situations in which this part of you shows up, and how you feel in your body when it does. You might then start to anticipate its arrival in these specific situations. Simply identifying this "people pleaser" as a part of you and not all of you and anticipating its arival can do a lot to remind you that this is just one strategy and that you have other options in the moment. It can also help to become more aware of the anxiety that is underneath the impulse to people please. Becoming aware of the anxiety can help you address it so that there will be less need for the strategy of people pleasing.


When your "people pleaser" arrives on scene, imagine saying hello to this part of you. As you develop compassionate curiosity towards this part, you can get to know it better. You may begin to understand what it wants for you and what it's hoping will happen when it shows up. With more knowledge about its purpose, it can begin to feel less overpowering. It might also be easier to feel compassion for this part of you with the knowledge of how it's trying to help. Maybe it simply wants people to like you so that you'll maintain relationships? That's a great want. Knowing about it's existence and appreciating this need that you have is a practice of acknowleging your needs (which undoes the habits of people pleasing). It can also help reduce any annoyance, shame, or exasperation you might feel towards your people pleasing part.


Work with Your Fear

Another common challenge with people pleasing is the anxiety or discomfort that comes with the belief that you're causing other people to feel bad by asserting your needs. One way to work with this is to start small and built up your collection of experiences in which you think you're putting people out, but then you realize you're actually just helping people know you better by expressing yourself. Lived experiences like this can be powerful reminders that your needs don't cause other people to suffer. You are seperate from other people and while they may have their own experience in relation to you, your needs are never a problem. Start by speaking up about your restaurant preferences when you go out with friends, or voice a small thing that bothers you with your partner. It can help to let a few trusted friends know that you're working on this and ask if they can support you as you practice sharing more of your thoughts, feelings, and opinions.


Practice Hearing Your Needs

Building easier access to your needs, desires, and reactions involves learning to hear these signals in their most quiet form. These messages often arise first in the body before you become aware of them cognitively. To strengthen your attunement to these signals, start by checking in with your body in low stakes or uncomplicated situations. Take yourself out for a meal and feel in your body what kind of food sounds the most appealing. Take note of the sensations in your body that tell you "yes," "no," "maybe," or "I'm not sure." What tells you how strong your "yes" is and what cues signify the strength of your "no?" This attunement will grow in time and help you get a clearer and more nuanced understanding of your wants and needs.


Practice Self-Validation

To unlearn the belief that your needs are a burden, practice telling yourself that your needs and wants make sense, even if you choose not to act on them. For more information on how to validate feelings, check out my post on validation. Feelings always make sense. It does not mean that the belief that comes with them is true, but if you feel a certain way, it matters, and listening to it can help you learn more about yourself and it can even deepen your relationships with others.


Experience More Connection with Yourself and Others

One of the saddest bi-products of people pleasing is that it can decrease connection and intimacy. If we aren't sharing our actual experience, how can anyone really know us? People pleasing can leave us feeling hollow and empty because we aren't seen deeply by others or ourselves. It can feel like you're living a fake life or that no one accepts you for who you are because no one really knows you. If you'd like help working through a pattern of people pleasing, or support with anxiety or trauma, please reach out. I offer a free 20 minute phone consultation to talk about your specific situation and see how I might be able to help.












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Sierra Springs Psychotherapy
Elizabeth Vines, LMFT #138909

154 Hughes Rd. Grass Valley, CA 95945|
700 Frederick St. Santa Cruz, CA 95062

Serving Grass Valley, Nevada City, Auburn, Roseville, Sacramento, Davis, Santa Cruz, Berkeley, Oakland, San Francisco, Palo Alto, and all of California Virtually 

(949) 506-0546

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